DYING

I know my time on earth is limited. It is a condition of being human. We are all dying. The only time I worry about leaving this existence is in a Walmart line waiting to check out. Standing next to the tabloid of the alien baby with a head like a goat. All of my neighbors decided to come to Walmart at the same time. Here we are at our glorious best. I have eliminated the tee shirts from my closet that are even vaguely hostile, so I am standing in my tee shirt with the marinara sauce stains on the front.

What if I die waiting in line at Walmart? How would I explain it to St Peter?

“They had a bargain on bananas. I wanted to stock up for baking so I was standing in the line glancing at the tabloid headlines. Dropping my bananas is the last thing I remember.”

Is he going to commiserate with me or laugh? “You were doing what, trying to save .10 a pound? Waaa ha ha ha”

I resolve in the future to spend as little time in line as I possibly can. Look how many things that will automatically take out of my life. Amusement parks, autograph gathering, and possibly big box stores. Doing without standing in line will streamline my errands. I will have to plan for the extra time I’ll have in my life. More time to bundle sticks in my yard or gather the walnuts from my native walnut tree. I’ll be happier, anxiety free.

SURVIVAL

SURVIVAL

Everyone needs to know how to cook. It is a basic survival skill, and everyone eats. The important thing is not to be discouraged by failure. If you cook, you have failures, it’s simple fact. I’ve had splendid failures in my time at the stove. I’ve made greens so bitter, my husband swore ‘a Jew wouldn’t eat these standing with his hat on at Passover.’ It might be slander implying Jews with their hats on will eat almost anything green as a bitter weed. It took many pots of greens before I learned how to cook them.

After you practice on the basics, mastering some of the cooking skills essential to life, you will want to do something fancy like doubling the recipe. It sounds so simple, doubling. Take everything and just times 2.

During one of my early efforts at doubling, I made a pot of chicken and dumplings. Recipe said it served six. Since it didn’t seem like very much, I doubled it, math calculations and all. Imagine my surprise when my husband was over at the stove scrapping the bottom of the pot during supper.

“How can you still be hungry?” I asked him. “I doubled the recipe, it served six before I doubled it. The pot of dumplings should have served twelve in theory.”

My husband just looked at me and said, “twelve midgets on a diet.”

My husband is learning to bake cookies. His approach is to turn on an opera, Marriage of Figaro for example, loud so you can get every note and syllable. Then gather ingredients and bake.

So here is the lesson for you. Don’t be discouraged by failure. Try again, don’t give up. Find out if you are feeding hungry people or twelve midgets on a diet. Everyone needs to know how to cook.

 

THE SEAT OF POWER

THE SEAT OF POWER

I just met with a friend who was telling me about her four inch high heels. She felt powerful wearing these shoes, in control, demanding attention.  Many women have this mistaken impression that wearing four inch heels puts them in a powerful position. Not true, power does not come from the shoes. This is a myth of four inch heel makers.

A woman’s power comes from her MAGNETIC TITS. Yes, it is true. Those breasts draw things to you sure as a compass points true north. Treat them with respect. The tricky thing is to learn how to screen your causes as they adhere to your chest. Everyone is called to work on a certain number of things in this world, and each one of us must learn which ones belong to us.

I am not sure that I have discovered my causes. A writer likes to explore all things, walking around them getting the view in stereoscope. Many causes are not mine but I admire and support those who are called to work on them. Troubled children…Food for the hungry…Literacy…Mental Health. All great things to buttress and sustain. My contribution to the things I support comes through in my writing. I don’t suppose it takes a reader long to pick out what these things might be.

I try not to be obvious about what I believe. I hope I am not anyway, since I believe that a writer must strive to address beliefs with a little subtly. But rest assured I do the best I can, bringing my story to you, serving it up with my limits and possibilities.