Wednesday, September 25, 2013


I know my time on earth is limited. It is a condition of being human. We are all dying. The only time I worry about leaving this existence is in a Walmart line waiting to check out. Standing next to the tabloid of the alien baby with a head like a goat. All of my neighbors decided to come to Walmart at the same time. Here we are at our glorious best. I have eliminated the tee shirts from my closet that are even vaguely hostile, so I am standing in my tee shirt with the marinara sauce stains on the front.

What if I die waiting in line at Walmart? How would I explain it to St Peter?

“They had a bargain on bananas. I wanted to stock up for baking so I was standing in the line glancing at the tabloid headlines. Dropping my bananas is the last thing I remember.”

Is he going to commiserate with me or laugh? “You were doing what, trying to save .10 a pound? Waaa ha ha ha”

I resolve in the future to spend as little time in line as I possibly can. Look how many things that will automatically take out of my life. Amusement parks, autograph gathering, and possibly big box stores. Doing without standing in line will streamline my errands. I will have to plan for the extra time I’ll have in my life. More time to bundle sticks in my yard or gather the walnuts from my native walnut tree. I’ll be happier, anxiety free.

1 comment:

  1. But how will you know the exciting conclusion to [celebrity X's] drug addiction/pregnancy/financial crisis/alien child?! St Peter will be asking.