MY CHAIR

MY CHAIR

I am pretty sure that I have the only recliner in town that requires a tool box as standard operating equipment. Reclining in this chair can be compared to bronc riding. It is very rough. It operates on friction, hah, as if there were some physics principle at work in this chair.

In the first place, it is a king size chair with a seat so big and wide that I just rattle around in it. Safety standards board would probably require a seat belt if they knew how it truly worked. On a good day when I approach the seat and cautiously slide my bum across the bottom, my feet are flung up to sky. Just try going from 180 degrees to 90 and measure the Gforces at work.

In the second place, it squeaks and gronks like the Inquisitioner’s rack. The squeaking and gronking are the bolts shearing off. Eventually they are cut by the actions of the chair and have to be replaced. Hence the toolbox. It holds the tools and bolts necessary to fix the monster. I always know when the bolts go because then the foot rest flings out and hits me in the bum when I am trying to stand and walk away from it.

For now I must sit in the chair and plot its replacement. I will eventually replace it. I will have to find another chair and negotiate the removal of this beast in the sales process. Then I can stop practicing the moving dismount that I currently list among my skills, and recline in peace.

Today my husband complained that the chair practically knocked him down when he tried to get up from it. You have to do a fast dismount from the chair. “Move faster,” that’s my advice to him. Not in my budget to replace this chair yet, but I am plotting and planning. The replacement day will come.